Today is the date Dwayne and I were given for the birth of our first child, Jamie. God had other plans for Jamie. This beautiful child He took home to Himself at eight and a half weeks gestation. God gave us amazing joy for a few weeks and then taught us what love is. At twelve weeks we found out there was no heart-beat and not long after, the miscarriage happened. Though it was the most painful experience I’ve ever gone through, physically and emotionally, I truly believe it was in God’s plan. Through all that He taught me what real, unconditional love is.  He taught me to be real and open and honest about the way I was feeling. He taught me to trust Him more and to realize that my plans are not His plans. There may be a million good reasons why He took Jamie to heaven and I can only guess as to what they might be. But God’s grace is so abundant and He gives healing like no one else can. He gave me healing and the reason I’m writing about this on my music blog is because he gave me healing in some ways through the gift of music.

Over the years I’ve written songs every once in a while. Most of them were admittedly very badly written and so you wouldn’t want to hear them anyway. Others I never finished. After losing Jamie I wrote a few songs and as hard as it is for me to do, I feel I have to share one of them.

I noticed when we miscarried that a lot of women had gone through the same thing and seemed to never have felt like they could talk about it. I want to change that. I want people to know that miscarriage is a real thing. It’s sad and it’s ok to mourn. It’s ok to talk about it and to be upset. It’s ok to let a lot of people know; it’s just as ok to let just a few people know. Everyone deals with things differently but I really think society has made miscarriage some hush-hush thing that we shouldn’t talk about. It doesn’t have to be that way.

As a pro-lifer I believe life begins at conception. So when a baby dies, even at only a few weeks old, that baby was a real person. That baby was somebody’s dream, and excitement. We always share our joy with people; I think it’s time that we see it as ok to share our pain as well. I wrote this song for myself but I hope that I can reach out to all those Mommas out there who don’t have their children in their arms. I assure you, you are a Mom even if the world around us tells you that you aren’t. Give yourself permission to cry, to talk, and to be real.

Before you listen, please listen with grace. This is really raw with no bells and whistles. I’m no guitarist, I just thought it sounded better on guitar. I’ll leave the lyrics below the video for you.

 

I watch as his face turns from puzzled to glee

As the line confirms we’re now three

I laugh and I cry, full of fear full of joy

For this child that is yet to be born

 

We talk about fun ways to spread the good news

And soon enough everyone knows

 

I’m a mother, though my arms have yet to hold you

I’m a mother, though I’ve yet to kiss you goodnight

I’m a mother, though I’ve yet to hear the beat of your heart

I’m a mother, because I’ve loved you from the start

 

It’s four in the morning and I let out a scream,

I know in my heart what it means

My baby is gone, just couldn’t hold on

It’s a truth I don’t want to believe

 

I pick up the phone, and call my mom

And cry as my heart breaks in two

 

I’m a mother, though my arms have never held you

I’m a mother, though I’ve never kissed you goodnight

I’m a mother, though I’ve never heard the beat of your heart

I’m a mother, because I’ve loved you from the start

 

Then God wraps me in grace and wipes the tears from my face

He tells me that he’ll be my strength

He’ll hold me until all the pain disappears

Until He makes everything new

 

And I know he’s holding me, carrying me through

This I know it is true:

 

I’m a mother, though my arms will never hold you

I’m a mother, though I’ll never get to kiss you goodnight

I’m a mother, though I’ll never hear the beat of your heart

I’m a mother, because I’ve loved you from the start

 

They ask me how many children I have

Being politically correct I say “none”

But deep in my heart there’s a hole there’s a hurt

And a whisper that softly says “one”